I feel...

..like a f***ing whore!

Probably there's no reason for me feeling that way, but my history gives me a remainder every now and then. It takes a lot to let somebody get close, it's so much easier to just be natural and let loose your restraints than opening yourself and expose your inner thoughts.

Is it strange not having any confidence left for other people, and therefore not being able to imagine sharing your life with someone? I do have confidence in one way, otherwise I wouldn't be so liberal in my thoughts about today's world order. But to give myself to someone there's a lot more trust needed, and everytime when I'm trying to build up that trust it pulls down like a house of cards and demolish a part of me with it.

Of course, I'm not a saint either. I'm capricious and exacting, delusive and manipulative. I tend to lead myself into troubled situations not knowing how to get out from there. And I'm an expert on hurting other people, with or without their knowledge. I use to say that I'm a bad lier, but I'm not. It's all about wanting to get caught or not.

I don't want to be this way and I don't want to be treated this way.